Archive for the ‘Opinions’ Category

I was sitting in the waiting room of my step-daughter’s counselor’s office and it occurred to me that I might be evil.  There I sat wearing a t-shirt that I’d grabbed (at random, I might add) that says: Pssst…no one likes you…pass it on!  If the kids in the counselor’s office didn’t have self-esteem issues before, they have them now (there were no other kids in the office while we were there, but the irony wasn’t lost on me).

I honestly didn’t think about the slogan on the t-shirt until I was out of the house.  I just reached into the closet and grabbed the first t-shirt that my fingers landed on.  Hey, I hadn’t had my coffee at that point, cut me some slack.  But then I went to QT and got some French Vanilla Cappuccino.  Yeah, a total “wow, this is a fucked up shirt to wear around kids” moment happened.

Obviously, I’m a bad influence on kids.  Then I started thinking about when I was growing up.  Tracey, your mom was right, I WAS a bad influence on you.  I’ve had this same sick sense of humor as long as I can remember, so obviously it was me who was the bad influence.  Love ya.

But I’m not alone in the whole evil t-shirt thing.  T-Shirt Hell has been at it as long as I have.  You really should check them out because they have tons of stuff that’s hilarious!


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Last week, I decided to ask my friend Karen for a question to post on my Ask Amy Friday entry. As usual, she gave me an essay question to end all essay questions. She’s about to get her Associate’s degree. And for some reason, she thinks I’d be good to help her with her homework. I’m thinking she may be wrong since I aspire to write humor most of the time. But hey, anything for a friend.

Her request was for me to discuss the phenomenon of white people who adopt a black persona and why they do this.

Bitch. I seriously can’t believe she didn’t just say, “write about wiggers because I want to see you get your ass kicked.” It would have been closer to the truth. Probably.

We talked about the fact that wiggers may be motivated to adopt a stereotypical urban persona because they feel marginalized by their social status, financial situation, environment where they grew up, etc. But, that pretty much only applies to white people who live in the ghetto. Those people, I understand. They grew up that way and that is their norm.

What I want to talk about is the 17 year old middle class white kid who listens to gansta rap, wears FUBU, and speaks ebonics to gain the appearance of being “hard.” They’re not. If these tragic trust fund babies ever came face to face with real hardship they would summarily shit their Tommys and curl into the fetal position until Mommy could show up to save them. Hard they ain’t.

Of course, these are the same teen brain trusts who think the Boxer Rebellion was all about underwear. Music, slang and clothes don’t make you cool and tough. They just allow the really cool, tough kids to identify you as an imposter.

Face it, urban romanticism is alive and well in the ‘burbs. Kids wax all kinds of trendy if they think it’ll make them appear cool. And the lack of self-awareness for teens always happens when the pendulum swings far from what was. What was for my generation was hard, broody rock, Aquanet, and skin tight jeans. Now is the age of hip-hop and baggy pants and the “thug life.”. Label it any way you want but it’s still a collective generational identity crisis.

Hippies were marginalized because they opposed Viet Nam. And the blatant drug use. But that WAS before Leary got busted for excessive experimentation. Metal heads were marginalized. Punk rockers were marginalized. We all were marginalized at some point! It’s called being a teenager! But the adoption of different personas is what it is all about. It takes a certain mature humility to admit that we are full of shit and don’t know who or what we are and where we are in the grand scheme. It takes soul searching and admission of culpability in our own lives to find that place.

Fact is, wiggers will come to terms with themselves eventually. And there’s a high probability that someone will call them on their choice of cultural identification. They will be ridiculed for their choices and learn to cope as we did. In the meantime, play a little Van Halen and wear some parachute pants and remember when you were on the cusp of belonging.

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Yes, I’m fully aware that it’s 2010, but I’m a little reluctant sometimes to give in to technology.

Shut up!  Look, I’m not a technophobe by any stretch of the imagination.  At the same time, some traditions just warrant keeping. I have an iPhone.  I blog on a regular basis.  I can keep up with Facebook.  And I have a healthy hatred for Twitter simply because I’ve found that Chum.ly allows me to use more than 140 characters to speak my mind.  I’m pretty internet savvy because there’s nothing I can’t find.  But at the same time, there was one thing that I wasn’t willing to do, until recently: listen to an audiobook.  Stop laughing.  It’s really not that funny.

There are certain things that I’m a purist about.  Books are one of them.  I’m a firm believer that books are sacred artifacts.  I believe in giving the author my undivided attention, which means me sitting down on the couch and reading.  Also, when I was working, a book provided me the opportunity to block everyone out while I was at lunch.  Sometimes you just don’t want to deal with other people.  Books provide that escape for me.

A couple of weeks ago, I started listening to a podcast by Greg Crites.  It was a Podiobook.  It took me a couple of days to listen to all the podcasts for that particular book, but I enjoyed it.  So, then I got pointed in the direction of Scott Sigler.  Crites was funny.  He really made me laugh.  Sigler scared the shit outta me.  The first book I listened to by him was Infected.  For the entire time that I listened to the podcasts, every itch was suddenly suspect and I got the willies several times.  So, naturally I enjoyed the hell out of it.  I’m that kind of girl.  And I’d never been a huge fan of science fiction before.  But the thriller aspect of the story; oh how I love a good thriller!

If you were to go back in time and look at my life, you would hear a conversation between me and hubby #1 that went something like this:

Hubby 1: Why is that when I’m out in the field, you read romance novels and when I’m home you read murder mysteries and thrillers?

Me: I don’t know.  I just do.

Hubby 1: So, you want smut while I’m gone and you’re plotting to murder me while I’m here?

Me: I didn’t say that.  You did.

Hubby 1: Are you plotting to murder me?

Me: You’re the one that got me reading murder mysteries and thrillers.  Would you prefer I read romance all the time?  You know you can’t live up to a romance novel.

Hubby 1: Are you saying I can live up to a murder mystery?

Me: If the chalk outline fits….

Hubby #1 snored softly.  It was annoying in my 20s to have him next to me snoring like that.  I used to lay next to him, unable to sleep and fantasize about smothering him with a pillow.  I didn’t do it.  Instead, the snoring piled on top of all the other problems we had and I divorced his ass.  But he got me hooked on Dean Koontz and John Sanford.  It was his own fault that I read that stuff.

To be a good writer, you must read.  You have to expose yourself to the greats.  And some of the not so greats.  But the heart of the matter is that you are exposed to experiences and places that you may never see on your own.  I’d never imagine going to Maine, but through Stephen King, I can visit Bangor and Derry, without leaving the comfort of my couch.

Sigler is unique.  He’s an innovator in publication because of the simple fact that he puts his books out in podcast form to hook his readers, without charging a dime for the podcast.  It’s a bit of marketing genius really.  I can understand Stephen King charging for an audiobook.  But for an author that doesn’t have that kind of following, podcasting is a great way to get the word out.  If I can ever get more writing done, I might just follow Sigler’s lead and give my readers a healthy dose of me.

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Attention: MATURE CONTENT!!!

I got questions from guys this week, so I’m dedicating this entry to them.

Does titty fucking feel good to a woman?  I’m not a fan so much but I’m probably not doing it right.

You’re not the first guy to ask me this question.  So, allow me to be blunt about this subject.  NO! NO! NO!  Don’t even bother with it.  It’s wasting precious time. Why?  Here, lemme paint a picture for you…

You are a woman who is fairly well-endowed up top.  The guy you’re with is straddling your midsection and compressing your diaphragm.    Breathing is a faint memory.  There is oil all over your tits and you have a semi-death grip on them because they keep slipping out of your hands.  There’s a pillow behind your head, forcing your neck up at an angle that could legally give you the right to claim whiplash, if his homeowner’s insurance covered it.  On the upstroke, he hits you in the nose, despite aiming for your mouth.  The likelihood of him actually getting off is next to nothing, unless he’s a “sprinter”, if you know what I mean.  And if he does manage to complete the act, you’re gonna have to shampoo your hair again after he leaves.  If he hits you in the eye, it’ll sting, so you hope like hell that he gives up soon.

Porn actresses are…say it with me, guys…ACTRESSES.  They get paid to get their viewers off.  Any moaning during a tit fucking scene is FAKED.

Now, repeat after me: all her fabulous little nerve endings are in her crotch and slammed together tits are not another orifice.

Why can’t a man be friends with a woman and sex not become an issue?  Sub question: why can’t a man and woman just be friends with benefits without one or the other getting emotionally involved?

You’re specifically asking about a man being friends with a woman, so I’ll answer that.  Some women, and I’m not saying it’s all women, but a good chunk of the female population, are needy as fuck.  They readily adopt the victim position and think their low self-esteem entitles them to become man-stalking neurotics.  They totally buy into the whole “he’s just not that into you” mentality and take it to an extreme.  “If he’s not having sex with you, he’s just not that into you.”  Frankly, it should be “if he’s fucking you and leaves before even the most cursory of clean ups, he’s really not into you and you should burn his number”.  But that’s rarely the case.  They keep harassing the guy because they want to be the one he wants.  I’ve met some men who were total sluts and would fuck any chick that would give him the time of day.  I can respect them as long as they’re up front and tell the girl that nothing will ever come of it.  I believe in being blunt.  To a fault even.

I honestly hate the phrase “friend with benefits” because it’s so misleading.  If you’re gonna be friends and hook up, someone is going to develop feelings at some point.  “Friends” means that you have history and that you’re familiar with each other.  You probably have mutual friends who will talk shit about you when you skip your weekly FWB appointment because you got a real date.  That’s why I prefer booty calls.  Don’t get fully undressed.  Don’t call ahead any longer than it would take you to drive to their place.  The one who calls is the one who provides protection.  No last names, if you can help it.  Just drop your pants, pop off, and get the fuck out.  No post coital drink of water to whet your whistle.  Leave a bottle of water in your damn car, and leave that fucker running if it’s in a decent neighborhood.  It’s a much more humane way to go.  Friends with Benefits ends up with someone getting hurt.

I’m a boob man.  It’s my favorite female body part.  What I wanna know is why women get so pissed off when I stare at their tits when they’re wearing a low cut top?

I think women who wear low cut tops and then get all butt hurt about cleavage monkeys (those are all you guys that stare at tits) are unrealistic.  It’s like McDonald’s putting up a billboard and getting pissed off when people come in because of the fucking billboard.  Why are they advertising if they don’t want to be seen?  It’s not like guys routinely come up to them and grab a handful of tit, right?  You’re appreciating the view.  Don’t get drool on her or anything, but she needs to chill with the attitude.

And don’t think that women don’t look at guys’ butts.  We do.  A lot.  But we’re not overt about it.  We don’t even turn our fucking heads to gawk, unless it’s a particularly tasty piece of beefcake, then all bets are off.  But we’re subtle about the check outs.  I’ve seen guys get whiplash from sudden head turns while looking at women.  And for crying out loud, if you’re with your wife/girlfriend/significant other, don’t comment on every pair of tits you see.  It just makes us think you didn’t breastfeed enough and that’s so Freudian.

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Whats your view on the Team Edward and Team Jacob fan craze? Should vampires sparkle?~Brandi
SPOILER ALERT:  Yeah, Twilight saga details may be divulged.

I think the fan craze is ridiculous.  It’s not like Stephanie Meyer is gonna go back and rewrite the freaking books because a bunch of teenage girls insist that Jacob end up with Bella!  Although, I do think that Taylor Lautner is way hotter than Robert Pattinson any day.  And if you’re a teenage girl and you’ve read the books, keep in mind that, were you to actually sit on Edward’s lap, your ass would go numb in a matter of seconds because he’s described as a very pretty piece of marble-like slab.  It’s essentially like sitting on a cold piece of concrete.  And you know you could break your hand if you popped him in the stomach for looking at another girl, even if it was just because she looked like premium snackage.

As far as the sparkly part.  My opinion is that only the gayest of vampires should be sparkly and that’s because they like to Bedazzle EVERYTHING.  Real vampires don’t sparkle.  Real vampires look like Alexander Skarsgard (he plays Eric on True Blood).  Real vampires aren’t broody and all “wah, I put my girlfriend in danger so I have to run off and be a broody asshole.”  Real vampires are like “you’re tasty, but I totally lived 1000 years without your whiny ass, so get over yourself.”

How long before my son outgrows Disney vacations? Why are people so fun to watch here? How many teenagers on school trips can fit at Disney? Apparently, the answer is thousands!!!!~ Amy

About the time you start making your son pay his share of the cost is when he’ll be like “hey Mom, why don’t we just stay around here and hang out at home?”  Until then, I recommend vacationing at places that aren’t normally considered places kids would enjoy; like Cleveland or New England in winter when there’s 6 tons of snow on the ground and they can’t go out for fear of freezing their little noses off.
I’ve never been to Disney.  But I think people are fun to watch anywhere in public.  Try going to a bar and being the sober one all night.  I think it’s hilarious to sit there and listen to the pick up lines and watch people make asses of themselves.  People are entertaining.  And the majority of the time, they don’t think anyone else is watching.  So, tugging the underwear out of wedgie status and junk adjusting is easy to find. The guys are particularly funny to watch because of all the posturing and posing. The later it gets, the more peacocking you get to see.  By 1:00, it’s a total race to see who will get a hook up.
Malls are perfect for people watching, too.  The mall provides a much more natural environment for teenagers.  I wonder if this is what our parents did when they were our age?  Did they sit on a bench in the middle of Richardson Square Mall and say “I can’t believe parachute pants cost that much.  [Insert name of debt riddled child here] is so going to be mowing the yard for the rest of my freaking life because of those stupid pants.”
What is the weirdest scar you have and how did you get it?~Anonymous

The weirdest scar I have is a crease in my forehead.  Normally I wouldn’t classify it as a scar, but in 20 years, it hasn’t gone away and it wasn’t there before I was 21.  I hit my head on a bed frame in Germany.  Hubby #1 and I hadn’t seen each other in a couple of months because he’d been stationed in Germany and I had to get my passport and everything so I could join him.  When I finally made it to Germany, we had our “reunion” and he was so enthusiastic that he pushed me right off the bed.  I fell onto a spare metal bed frame that Housing had brought over and creased my forehead.  Did I mention that I’m on Hubby #3?  The crease in my forehead is all I got from Hubby #1.

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I’ve had 10 mg of Vicodin, so I cannot be held responsible for the coherency of this particular blog.  Just hang on for the ride and giggle at the end.

“Why do woman tend to get heavier with age, while men look more distinguished?” – Tracey

I wish I had a clever answer for this one, but I’ll be honest.  This one stumped me a bit.  Leave it to my best friend to fuck me up on a Q&A  session.  But here comes my best attempt at answering this age old question.

I think it’s because they don’t have a uterus or a decent pair of tits.  What is required of a man?  In the grand scheme of things, not a whole helluva lot when it comes to the physical.  We women are required to bleed one week a month; birth all the children; find shit men misplaced because, of course, our uterus is a homing device for all the stuff they require to function daily; breastfeed; and top all that off with attempting to be sexy so they don’t lose interest.  We’re tired by the time we hit 40.  I know I am.

Guys, don’t get all butt hurt over the fact that I said men don’t have a lot of physical demands.  Shoot a kid outta your ass and I’ll retract my statement.

Why do we park in a “driveway” and drive on a “parkway”? – Mark

Because the person who made up those words was smoking Acapulco Gold at the time.  I wasn’t there when those words were first used.  If I had been, I would have said something along the lines of “that must be some epic shit you’re smoking because that makes no sense at all.”  Most of the English language is questionable.  If marijuana was legal, it would make a lot more sense.

Should the USA adopt a flat tax on good and services and abolish the payroll tax?  This way there’d be no tax loopholes or tax returns to file, we’d save money on not having the IRS bothering the people of the country and everyone would pay based on what we buy.  Thoughts? – John G

Hell yes, we should abolish payroll tax and go to a flat tax on goods and services!  Can you imagine the hilarity that would ensue if all those IRS auditors had to find something else to do?  Like, I dunno, a real job?  A lot of them are just big sadistic assholes who get their jollies intimidating people. It’s like they aspire to be the Marquis de Sade of accounting.  Can you imagine them selling ball gags and riding crops at some sex shop?  I can.  Okay, Vicodin is a beautiful thing.  *insert maniacal giggling here*`

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Ask Amy Friday

I’m launching a new feature on my blog. I’m actually gonna let people ask me questions.

What’s your take on Hunt’s vs Heinz ketchup, how that affects the ongoing gas price war, and the mixed concerns of greenpeace and the RIAA?

I’ve always been a Heinz girl. Hunt’s is just too thin and sweet, much like an anorexic supermodel–lots of press, but not much substance. Heinz has a set of balls on it. Okay, maybe not balls, per se, but it’s hearty and robust like a German guy at Oktoberfest. And who doesn’t like Oktoberfest? I’m still not sure how a ketchup debate affects the gas war. Just be thankful that a gallon of gas doesn’t cost as much as a gallon of Heinz ketchup. Greenpeace–I have mixed feelings about Greenpeace. I really couldn’t give a shit what kind of ketchup those militant tree-huggers use. And that in and of itself should be an oxymoron, shouldn’t it? Militant and tree hugging should be mutually exclusive, but nooooooo. I’ve never seen a publicized protest over the unethical treatment of tomatoes by Greenpeace. I don’t even think it warrants googling. As far as the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) goes, I haven’t seen a real tree-hugger for a while. I mean, John Denver was the last guy I know of who wrote about trees and outdoorsy shit and look what happened to him! I don’t think he ever wrote anything about ketchup though.

Which is more annoying: “Your mom” or “that’s what she said”?

“That’s what she said” is a horrible catch phrase. Who is she? When did she say that? And in what context was it said? If you were talking about a penis, more than likely, it was complete and utter bullshit. Unless she said it looked like you fucked around corners. Then it was probably true.

Why is clown porn HAWT?

Clown porn isn’t hawt. It’s downright disturbing. Imagine getting sexed up by the clown from Stephen King’s It. It’s just fucked up. It’s wrong and I refuse to condone clown porn. Grease paint stains are a bitch to get out anyway.

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