Archive for the ‘Uncensored’ Category

“Why is it that when men get older and buy a Jeep or a sportscar or something of this nature, it’s called a mid-life crisis and when women of the same age spend the same amount on hair extensions, implants, facelifts, etc., they are considered just trying to look young. ”

In all honesty, I wouldn’t say that high ticket item purchases are enough to declare a mid-life crisis.  You have to consider the behavior that surrounds the purchase.  If a man purchases a sports car, he may just have the money to blow on luxury or he’s trying to recapture the feeling he had when he was younger.  That, to me, is no big deal.  It’s understandable.  But when he goes and buys a flashy car, dumps his wife and starts dating 20 something, bubble-headed arm candy…that’s a mid-life crisis.  The possibility that a 40 year old man and a 22 year old girl having anything real in common is utterly ridiculous.  It just doesn’t work for anything but sex and sooner or later the sex will fall flat because there’s no way that a 40 year old can keep up with a 22 year old.  And don’t go spouting about Viagra to me because that’s just bullshit.  If it’s bullshit for a woman to fake an orgasm, then it’s bullshit for a guy to take Viagra.  Besides, a 22 year old woman can’t appreciate a Viagra hard-on the way a 40 year old woman can.  40 is our prime!  If you’re gonna pop the little blue pill, give it to someone who can appreciate the hell out of it!

The reason that a new set of boobs or a face lift isn’t the same?  Think of a woman as you would your house.  There’s routine maintenance that has to be done on the house for it to remain livable.  Those, with a woman, are manicures, pedicures, Brazilian wax, makeup, etc.  And then sometimes, there needs to be major maintenance, like foundation repair, or you have to remodel.  Those are the face lifts and boob jobs.  Yes, we’re trying to look young.  We don’t want to look as experienced as we are.  And graceful aging?  That’s men, not women.  Get it right.

Minute to Win It has convinced me that people will do the silliest stuff to win money. What would you be willing to do in front of a live, studio audience for $1000, $2500, $5000, and $1,000,000?

I have to say that I’ve never taken the time to watch Minute to Win It, but it looks funny.  And for me, it’s kind of hard to think of silly stuff that someone would have to pay me for.  It never occurred to me to charge for my silliness.  So basically, I’m being screwed because I can’t get on this show to be a total ass, which I’ve pretty much been all my life.  It’s making me think that I’m an idiot.  Gee.  Thanks, Karen.  My life is totally fucked now because I can’t be a dumb ass on a TV show.

I’m morally flexible when cash comes into play, but it’d have to be a hefty amount of cash.  Now, for a million dollars, I’d take it in the mouth from a *gulp* politician.  Did I just type that?


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Why are so many stupid people allowed to procreate?

I’ve asked time and time again for people to pass out condoms to their slack-jawed, mouth-breathing neighbors, but I just don’t think it’s getting done.  I think they’re sneaking a little nookie in when no one is looking.  And sometimes I think that they use the condoms as balloons because they like balloons and are easily amused by floaty things.  It’s not so much allowing them to do it as much as it is them sneaking unauthorized nookie.  Obviously, I advocate mandatory condom use for stupid people, should they actually land someone that can stand to fuck them.  It’s not me allowing them to have sex and get all impregnated and shit.  I swear.

Why am I tired?

If you hadn’t guessed, my husband asked that little gem.  I’m gonna answer it, despite the fact that it’s a kinda lame question.

Hon, it’s been a long week.  Lots of softball practice and not enough sleep.  At least you don’t have to get up early to take your kid to school tomorrow because HEB is stupid and is having make up days on Saturdays because we got all that snow back in December and January.  Be glad that I’m gonna take her.

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I was sitting in the waiting room of my step-daughter’s counselor’s office and it occurred to me that I might be evil.  There I sat wearing a t-shirt that I’d grabbed (at random, I might add) that says: Pssst…no one likes you…pass it on!  If the kids in the counselor’s office didn’t have self-esteem issues before, they have them now (there were no other kids in the office while we were there, but the irony wasn’t lost on me).

I honestly didn’t think about the slogan on the t-shirt until I was out of the house.  I just reached into the closet and grabbed the first t-shirt that my fingers landed on.  Hey, I hadn’t had my coffee at that point, cut me some slack.  But then I went to QT and got some French Vanilla Cappuccino.  Yeah, a total “wow, this is a fucked up shirt to wear around kids” moment happened.

Obviously, I’m a bad influence on kids.  Then I started thinking about when I was growing up.  Tracey, your mom was right, I WAS a bad influence on you.  I’ve had this same sick sense of humor as long as I can remember, so obviously it was me who was the bad influence.  Love ya.

But I’m not alone in the whole evil t-shirt thing.  T-Shirt Hell has been at it as long as I have.  You really should check them out because they have tons of stuff that’s hilarious!

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Last week, I decided to ask my friend Karen for a question to post on my Ask Amy Friday entry. As usual, she gave me an essay question to end all essay questions. She’s about to get her Associate’s degree. And for some reason, she thinks I’d be good to help her with her homework. I’m thinking she may be wrong since I aspire to write humor most of the time. But hey, anything for a friend.

Her request was for me to discuss the phenomenon of white people who adopt a black persona and why they do this.

Bitch. I seriously can’t believe she didn’t just say, “write about wiggers because I want to see you get your ass kicked.” It would have been closer to the truth. Probably.

We talked about the fact that wiggers may be motivated to adopt a stereotypical urban persona because they feel marginalized by their social status, financial situation, environment where they grew up, etc. But, that pretty much only applies to white people who live in the ghetto. Those people, I understand. They grew up that way and that is their norm.

What I want to talk about is the 17 year old middle class white kid who listens to gansta rap, wears FUBU, and speaks ebonics to gain the appearance of being “hard.” They’re not. If these tragic trust fund babies ever came face to face with real hardship they would summarily shit their Tommys and curl into the fetal position until Mommy could show up to save them. Hard they ain’t.

Of course, these are the same teen brain trusts who think the Boxer Rebellion was all about underwear. Music, slang and clothes don’t make you cool and tough. They just allow the really cool, tough kids to identify you as an imposter.

Face it, urban romanticism is alive and well in the ‘burbs. Kids wax all kinds of trendy if they think it’ll make them appear cool. And the lack of self-awareness for teens always happens when the pendulum swings far from what was. What was for my generation was hard, broody rock, Aquanet, and skin tight jeans. Now is the age of hip-hop and baggy pants and the “thug life.”. Label it any way you want but it’s still a collective generational identity crisis.

Hippies were marginalized because they opposed Viet Nam. And the blatant drug use. But that WAS before Leary got busted for excessive experimentation. Metal heads were marginalized. Punk rockers were marginalized. We all were marginalized at some point! It’s called being a teenager! But the adoption of different personas is what it is all about. It takes a certain mature humility to admit that we are full of shit and don’t know who or what we are and where we are in the grand scheme. It takes soul searching and admission of culpability in our own lives to find that place.

Fact is, wiggers will come to terms with themselves eventually. And there’s a high probability that someone will call them on their choice of cultural identification. They will be ridiculed for their choices and learn to cope as we did. In the meantime, play a little Van Halen and wear some parachute pants and remember when you were on the cusp of belonging.

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Sorry to have been silent all week, but it’s been a little busy at the Twisted house.  We now have softball practice 3 days a week and that makes for a hectic brain…namely mine.  But I have a feeling I’ll be able to make it up to you…or not.  Here we go!

Does saying “fuck you” to your spouse ever go well in an argument?

I could give this a flat “no” but I think I need to qualify my answer.  Besides, a simple no doesn’t do the situation justice because if you’re saying “fuck you” to your spouse, you’re beyond pissed.

Men and women are so different in their meanings when they say “fuck you” that you really do need an interpreter.  If a woman says “fuck you”, what she really means is “I wouldn’t fuck you if your dick was made of gold and you shot hundred dollar bills and gold bullion.”  Or, on the flipside, she may have a strap on that she’s just been dying to try out and “fuck you” means you just volunteered to be her guinea pig.  “Fuck you” is a deeply personal thing with us.  We are probably plotting your untimely demise at this point and we mean for you to rein your shit in before you end up with your clothes on the front yard and an attorney up your ass.  We are serious.  We generally know how to wield a knife with efficiency (all that kitchen time, ya know).  Guys, at this point, you should shut the fuck up and repeat the following: “You’re right, dear.  I’m sorry.”

If a man says ” fuck you” it generally means that he’s out of things to say.  You’ve made him mad.  He doesn’t agree with your point of view and is adamant about his stance being the right one.  Of course, women are more emotional and we can think of words to express ourselves in the heat of battle.  Guys just see red and blow up.  Guys, “fuck you” is seriously the wrong thing to say to your wife.  Why?  She may decide never to fuck YOU again.

Why do nice guys finish last? Why do women go for dirtbags? Why is being treated special a bad thing?

Nice guys don’t always finish last.  Sometimes they finish next to last.   But seriously, if I actually knew the answer to this question, I’d be rich beyond Gates, Jobs and all their wildest wet dreams.  Heff would come to me for advice.  That would be so cool, but he’s not knocking on my door or calling me.

The dirtbag thing is pretty weird, really.  We don’t always like heights or extreme sports or speed, but dammit we LOVE a dirtbag.  They’re our adrenalin rush.  And of course, our womanly charms will surely change a bad man into a good one.  It’s total horseshit, but for a brief fleeting moment, we buy into it.  A lot of women just don’t get that guys don’t change.  I’ve accepted it.  Besides, someone has to marry the dicks of this world.  Otherwise, the world would be unbalanced and there would be no more bullies or insensitive men to make us appreciate the good guys.

The gist of it is that if you want a woman to appreciate you for the good guy that you are, find a woman who has suffered a bunch of assholes before you.  SHE will appreciate the courtesy and respect that you give her.  But she’ll have baggage along with that appreciation.  Just try to understand that while she may have more baggage than Paris Hilton, she’ll love you for the man that you are, not the potential asshole you could be.

Why is it hard for some people to understand that, once lost, integrity and trust are pretty much impossible to restore?

Such a serious question deserves a serious answer.  So here goes….

It is human nature to give trust and faith in a person until they prove that our faith in them was misguided.  And despite all the times we’ve been screwed over and hurt by other people, we still have faith in our fellow man.  It’s hope.  Plain and simple.  We have hope that the next person that we give our trust to won’t stomp it into oblivion.

Why don’t they get it?  Honestly, they don’t get it until someone does it to them.  I think a lot of times, they think that they’ll get away with it and you’ll blindly put your faith in them again because you’ve done in the past and oh, aren’t they so cute and…yeah.  It’s a hard lesson to learn.  But it’s a lesson they have to learn on their own.

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Yes, I’m fully aware that it’s 2010, but I’m a little reluctant sometimes to give in to technology.

Shut up!  Look, I’m not a technophobe by any stretch of the imagination.  At the same time, some traditions just warrant keeping. I have an iPhone.  I blog on a regular basis.  I can keep up with Facebook.  And I have a healthy hatred for Twitter simply because I’ve found that Chum.ly allows me to use more than 140 characters to speak my mind.  I’m pretty internet savvy because there’s nothing I can’t find.  But at the same time, there was one thing that I wasn’t willing to do, until recently: listen to an audiobook.  Stop laughing.  It’s really not that funny.

There are certain things that I’m a purist about.  Books are one of them.  I’m a firm believer that books are sacred artifacts.  I believe in giving the author my undivided attention, which means me sitting down on the couch and reading.  Also, when I was working, a book provided me the opportunity to block everyone out while I was at lunch.  Sometimes you just don’t want to deal with other people.  Books provide that escape for me.

A couple of weeks ago, I started listening to a podcast by Greg Crites.  It was a Podiobook.  It took me a couple of days to listen to all the podcasts for that particular book, but I enjoyed it.  So, then I got pointed in the direction of Scott Sigler.  Crites was funny.  He really made me laugh.  Sigler scared the shit outta me.  The first book I listened to by him was Infected.  For the entire time that I listened to the podcasts, every itch was suddenly suspect and I got the willies several times.  So, naturally I enjoyed the hell out of it.  I’m that kind of girl.  And I’d never been a huge fan of science fiction before.  But the thriller aspect of the story; oh how I love a good thriller!

If you were to go back in time and look at my life, you would hear a conversation between me and hubby #1 that went something like this:

Hubby 1: Why is that when I’m out in the field, you read romance novels and when I’m home you read murder mysteries and thrillers?

Me: I don’t know.  I just do.

Hubby 1: So, you want smut while I’m gone and you’re plotting to murder me while I’m here?

Me: I didn’t say that.  You did.

Hubby 1: Are you plotting to murder me?

Me: You’re the one that got me reading murder mysteries and thrillers.  Would you prefer I read romance all the time?  You know you can’t live up to a romance novel.

Hubby 1: Are you saying I can live up to a murder mystery?

Me: If the chalk outline fits….

Hubby #1 snored softly.  It was annoying in my 20s to have him next to me snoring like that.  I used to lay next to him, unable to sleep and fantasize about smothering him with a pillow.  I didn’t do it.  Instead, the snoring piled on top of all the other problems we had and I divorced his ass.  But he got me hooked on Dean Koontz and John Sanford.  It was his own fault that I read that stuff.

To be a good writer, you must read.  You have to expose yourself to the greats.  And some of the not so greats.  But the heart of the matter is that you are exposed to experiences and places that you may never see on your own.  I’d never imagine going to Maine, but through Stephen King, I can visit Bangor and Derry, without leaving the comfort of my couch.

Sigler is unique.  He’s an innovator in publication because of the simple fact that he puts his books out in podcast form to hook his readers, without charging a dime for the podcast.  It’s a bit of marketing genius really.  I can understand Stephen King charging for an audiobook.  But for an author that doesn’t have that kind of following, podcasting is a great way to get the word out.  If I can ever get more writing done, I might just follow Sigler’s lead and give my readers a healthy dose of me.

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Attention: MATURE CONTENT!!!

I got questions from guys this week, so I’m dedicating this entry to them.

Does titty fucking feel good to a woman?  I’m not a fan so much but I’m probably not doing it right.

You’re not the first guy to ask me this question.  So, allow me to be blunt about this subject.  NO! NO! NO!  Don’t even bother with it.  It’s wasting precious time. Why?  Here, lemme paint a picture for you…

You are a woman who is fairly well-endowed up top.  The guy you’re with is straddling your midsection and compressing your diaphragm.    Breathing is a faint memory.  There is oil all over your tits and you have a semi-death grip on them because they keep slipping out of your hands.  There’s a pillow behind your head, forcing your neck up at an angle that could legally give you the right to claim whiplash, if his homeowner’s insurance covered it.  On the upstroke, he hits you in the nose, despite aiming for your mouth.  The likelihood of him actually getting off is next to nothing, unless he’s a “sprinter”, if you know what I mean.  And if he does manage to complete the act, you’re gonna have to shampoo your hair again after he leaves.  If he hits you in the eye, it’ll sting, so you hope like hell that he gives up soon.

Porn actresses are…say it with me, guys…ACTRESSES.  They get paid to get their viewers off.  Any moaning during a tit fucking scene is FAKED.

Now, repeat after me: all her fabulous little nerve endings are in her crotch and slammed together tits are not another orifice.

Why can’t a man be friends with a woman and sex not become an issue?  Sub question: why can’t a man and woman just be friends with benefits without one or the other getting emotionally involved?

You’re specifically asking about a man being friends with a woman, so I’ll answer that.  Some women, and I’m not saying it’s all women, but a good chunk of the female population, are needy as fuck.  They readily adopt the victim position and think their low self-esteem entitles them to become man-stalking neurotics.  They totally buy into the whole “he’s just not that into you” mentality and take it to an extreme.  “If he’s not having sex with you, he’s just not that into you.”  Frankly, it should be “if he’s fucking you and leaves before even the most cursory of clean ups, he’s really not into you and you should burn his number”.  But that’s rarely the case.  They keep harassing the guy because they want to be the one he wants.  I’ve met some men who were total sluts and would fuck any chick that would give him the time of day.  I can respect them as long as they’re up front and tell the girl that nothing will ever come of it.  I believe in being blunt.  To a fault even.

I honestly hate the phrase “friend with benefits” because it’s so misleading.  If you’re gonna be friends and hook up, someone is going to develop feelings at some point.  “Friends” means that you have history and that you’re familiar with each other.  You probably have mutual friends who will talk shit about you when you skip your weekly FWB appointment because you got a real date.  That’s why I prefer booty calls.  Don’t get fully undressed.  Don’t call ahead any longer than it would take you to drive to their place.  The one who calls is the one who provides protection.  No last names, if you can help it.  Just drop your pants, pop off, and get the fuck out.  No post coital drink of water to whet your whistle.  Leave a bottle of water in your damn car, and leave that fucker running if it’s in a decent neighborhood.  It’s a much more humane way to go.  Friends with Benefits ends up with someone getting hurt.

I’m a boob man.  It’s my favorite female body part.  What I wanna know is why women get so pissed off when I stare at their tits when they’re wearing a low cut top?

I think women who wear low cut tops and then get all butt hurt about cleavage monkeys (those are all you guys that stare at tits) are unrealistic.  It’s like McDonald’s putting up a billboard and getting pissed off when people come in because of the fucking billboard.  Why are they advertising if they don’t want to be seen?  It’s not like guys routinely come up to them and grab a handful of tit, right?  You’re appreciating the view.  Don’t get drool on her or anything, but she needs to chill with the attitude.

And don’t think that women don’t look at guys’ butts.  We do.  A lot.  But we’re not overt about it.  We don’t even turn our fucking heads to gawk, unless it’s a particularly tasty piece of beefcake, then all bets are off.  But we’re subtle about the check outs.  I’ve seen guys get whiplash from sudden head turns while looking at women.  And for crying out loud, if you’re with your wife/girlfriend/significant other, don’t comment on every pair of tits you see.  It just makes us think you didn’t breastfeed enough and that’s so Freudian.

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