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Posts Tagged ‘Ask Amy Friday’

Why are so many stupid people allowed to procreate?

I’ve asked time and time again for people to pass out condoms to their slack-jawed, mouth-breathing neighbors, but I just don’t think it’s getting done.  I think they’re sneaking a little nookie in when no one is looking.  And sometimes I think that they use the condoms as balloons because they like balloons and are easily amused by floaty things.  It’s not so much allowing them to do it as much as it is them sneaking unauthorized nookie.  Obviously, I advocate mandatory condom use for stupid people, should they actually land someone that can stand to fuck them.  It’s not me allowing them to have sex and get all impregnated and shit.  I swear.

Why am I tired?

If you hadn’t guessed, my husband asked that little gem.  I’m gonna answer it, despite the fact that it’s a kinda lame question.

Hon, it’s been a long week.  Lots of softball practice and not enough sleep.  At least you don’t have to get up early to take your kid to school tomorrow because HEB is stupid and is having make up days on Saturdays because we got all that snow back in December and January.  Be glad that I’m gonna take her.

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Sorry to have been silent all week, but it’s been a little busy at the Twisted house.  We now have softball practice 3 days a week and that makes for a hectic brain…namely mine.  But I have a feeling I’ll be able to make it up to you…or not.  Here we go!

Does saying “fuck you” to your spouse ever go well in an argument?

I could give this a flat “no” but I think I need to qualify my answer.  Besides, a simple no doesn’t do the situation justice because if you’re saying “fuck you” to your spouse, you’re beyond pissed.

Men and women are so different in their meanings when they say “fuck you” that you really do need an interpreter.  If a woman says “fuck you”, what she really means is “I wouldn’t fuck you if your dick was made of gold and you shot hundred dollar bills and gold bullion.”  Or, on the flipside, she may have a strap on that she’s just been dying to try out and “fuck you” means you just volunteered to be her guinea pig.  “Fuck you” is a deeply personal thing with us.  We are probably plotting your untimely demise at this point and we mean for you to rein your shit in before you end up with your clothes on the front yard and an attorney up your ass.  We are serious.  We generally know how to wield a knife with efficiency (all that kitchen time, ya know).  Guys, at this point, you should shut the fuck up and repeat the following: “You’re right, dear.  I’m sorry.”

If a man says ” fuck you” it generally means that he’s out of things to say.  You’ve made him mad.  He doesn’t agree with your point of view and is adamant about his stance being the right one.  Of course, women are more emotional and we can think of words to express ourselves in the heat of battle.  Guys just see red and blow up.  Guys, “fuck you” is seriously the wrong thing to say to your wife.  Why?  She may decide never to fuck YOU again.

Why do nice guys finish last? Why do women go for dirtbags? Why is being treated special a bad thing?

Nice guys don’t always finish last.  Sometimes they finish next to last.   But seriously, if I actually knew the answer to this question, I’d be rich beyond Gates, Jobs and all their wildest wet dreams.  Heff would come to me for advice.  That would be so cool, but he’s not knocking on my door or calling me.

The dirtbag thing is pretty weird, really.  We don’t always like heights or extreme sports or speed, but dammit we LOVE a dirtbag.  They’re our adrenalin rush.  And of course, our womanly charms will surely change a bad man into a good one.  It’s total horseshit, but for a brief fleeting moment, we buy into it.  A lot of women just don’t get that guys don’t change.  I’ve accepted it.  Besides, someone has to marry the dicks of this world.  Otherwise, the world would be unbalanced and there would be no more bullies or insensitive men to make us appreciate the good guys.

The gist of it is that if you want a woman to appreciate you for the good guy that you are, find a woman who has suffered a bunch of assholes before you.  SHE will appreciate the courtesy and respect that you give her.  But she’ll have baggage along with that appreciation.  Just try to understand that while she may have more baggage than Paris Hilton, she’ll love you for the man that you are, not the potential asshole you could be.

Why is it hard for some people to understand that, once lost, integrity and trust are pretty much impossible to restore?

Such a serious question deserves a serious answer.  So here goes….

It is human nature to give trust and faith in a person until they prove that our faith in them was misguided.  And despite all the times we’ve been screwed over and hurt by other people, we still have faith in our fellow man.  It’s hope.  Plain and simple.  We have hope that the next person that we give our trust to won’t stomp it into oblivion.

Why don’t they get it?  Honestly, they don’t get it until someone does it to them.  I think a lot of times, they think that they’ll get away with it and you’ll blindly put your faith in them again because you’ve done in the past and oh, aren’t they so cute and…yeah.  It’s a hard lesson to learn.  But it’s a lesson they have to learn on their own.


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MATURE CONTENT AHEAD!!!!!!

This time, it’s all about questions from the ladies.

What would be the proper way to clean an uncircumcised males penis without losing the intimacy of the moment of an on the spot sexual encounter?

You have no idea how hard I laughed when I read this question.  No, seriously.  Nearly peed my pants.  And then I thought about it.  The on the spot sexual encounter would have to be in the shower.  Otherwise, Casanova needs to be tending to his own junk.

I have really limited experience with uncircumcised penises.  I’ve only had contact with one.  And he was OCD about being clean, so it was never an issue.  So, I’m probably not the best person in the world to be asking.  But I happen to think that uncircumcised penises are kinda cute.  They look like a dick wearing a hoodie.  And who doesn’t like a hoodie?

I did happen upon a cute little tool for guys to keep their junk clean.  They should be able to groom themselves if they are old enough to have a sexual encounter.

How do I tell my boyfriend that twisting my nipples till they are black and blue really does not do it for me?

This question is proof that men don’t mature.  Tuning in Tokyo is so outdated!  I think you should give him a taste of his own medicine.  Wrench his nipples until he screams.  He might get the point then.  But after you illustrate the kind of pain you’ve been suffering, you need to teach him about how you like to be touched.   It can be fun, but it’s going to take time to break the bad habits.  Think of it like training a dog.  And if need be, keep a rolled up newspaper handy.

How do I explain to my husband that while fucking me in the ass and he slips out and slides into my pussy, why I get upset and go clean myself? Ass=shit!! Pussy=NO SHIT!!! How hard is it?!!!!

Gee.  I wonder who has been watching too much porn at your house?  Guys so rarely understand the delicate balance that is a woman’s body.  There are tons of articles on the net about the perils of going from anal to vaginal.  If those don’t work on your husband, then grab a toy and go ass to mouth on him.  I know it’s not the same, but it’s close enough to prove a point.  When he says “that’s not sanitary”, you can hit him with a “Yeah, but if you insist on going anal to vaginal on me, then turn about is fair play.”  He’ll stop.

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Attention: MATURE CONTENT!!!

I got questions from guys this week, so I’m dedicating this entry to them.

Does titty fucking feel good to a woman?  I’m not a fan so much but I’m probably not doing it right.

You’re not the first guy to ask me this question.  So, allow me to be blunt about this subject.  NO! NO! NO!  Don’t even bother with it.  It’s wasting precious time. Why?  Here, lemme paint a picture for you…

You are a woman who is fairly well-endowed up top.  The guy you’re with is straddling your midsection and compressing your diaphragm.    Breathing is a faint memory.  There is oil all over your tits and you have a semi-death grip on them because they keep slipping out of your hands.  There’s a pillow behind your head, forcing your neck up at an angle that could legally give you the right to claim whiplash, if his homeowner’s insurance covered it.  On the upstroke, he hits you in the nose, despite aiming for your mouth.  The likelihood of him actually getting off is next to nothing, unless he’s a “sprinter”, if you know what I mean.  And if he does manage to complete the act, you’re gonna have to shampoo your hair again after he leaves.  If he hits you in the eye, it’ll sting, so you hope like hell that he gives up soon.

Porn actresses are…say it with me, guys…ACTRESSES.  They get paid to get their viewers off.  Any moaning during a tit fucking scene is FAKED.

Now, repeat after me: all her fabulous little nerve endings are in her crotch and slammed together tits are not another orifice.

Why can’t a man be friends with a woman and sex not become an issue?  Sub question: why can’t a man and woman just be friends with benefits without one or the other getting emotionally involved?

You’re specifically asking about a man being friends with a woman, so I’ll answer that.  Some women, and I’m not saying it’s all women, but a good chunk of the female population, are needy as fuck.  They readily adopt the victim position and think their low self-esteem entitles them to become man-stalking neurotics.  They totally buy into the whole “he’s just not that into you” mentality and take it to an extreme.  “If he’s not having sex with you, he’s just not that into you.”  Frankly, it should be “if he’s fucking you and leaves before even the most cursory of clean ups, he’s really not into you and you should burn his number”.  But that’s rarely the case.  They keep harassing the guy because they want to be the one he wants.  I’ve met some men who were total sluts and would fuck any chick that would give him the time of day.  I can respect them as long as they’re up front and tell the girl that nothing will ever come of it.  I believe in being blunt.  To a fault even.

I honestly hate the phrase “friend with benefits” because it’s so misleading.  If you’re gonna be friends and hook up, someone is going to develop feelings at some point.  “Friends” means that you have history and that you’re familiar with each other.  You probably have mutual friends who will talk shit about you when you skip your weekly FWB appointment because you got a real date.  That’s why I prefer booty calls.  Don’t get fully undressed.  Don’t call ahead any longer than it would take you to drive to their place.  The one who calls is the one who provides protection.  No last names, if you can help it.  Just drop your pants, pop off, and get the fuck out.  No post coital drink of water to whet your whistle.  Leave a bottle of water in your damn car, and leave that fucker running if it’s in a decent neighborhood.  It’s a much more humane way to go.  Friends with Benefits ends up with someone getting hurt.

I’m a boob man.  It’s my favorite female body part.  What I wanna know is why women get so pissed off when I stare at their tits when they’re wearing a low cut top?

I think women who wear low cut tops and then get all butt hurt about cleavage monkeys (those are all you guys that stare at tits) are unrealistic.  It’s like McDonald’s putting up a billboard and getting pissed off when people come in because of the fucking billboard.  Why are they advertising if they don’t want to be seen?  It’s not like guys routinely come up to them and grab a handful of tit, right?  You’re appreciating the view.  Don’t get drool on her or anything, but she needs to chill with the attitude.

And don’t think that women don’t look at guys’ butts.  We do.  A lot.  But we’re not overt about it.  We don’t even turn our fucking heads to gawk, unless it’s a particularly tasty piece of beefcake, then all bets are off.  But we’re subtle about the check outs.  I’ve seen guys get whiplash from sudden head turns while looking at women.  And for crying out loud, if you’re with your wife/girlfriend/significant other, don’t comment on every pair of tits you see.  It just makes us think you didn’t breastfeed enough and that’s so Freudian.


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Whats your view on the Team Edward and Team Jacob fan craze? Should vampires sparkle?~Brandi
SPOILER ALERT:  Yeah, Twilight saga details may be divulged.

I think the fan craze is ridiculous.  It’s not like Stephanie Meyer is gonna go back and rewrite the freaking books because a bunch of teenage girls insist that Jacob end up with Bella!  Although, I do think that Taylor Lautner is way hotter than Robert Pattinson any day.  And if you’re a teenage girl and you’ve read the books, keep in mind that, were you to actually sit on Edward’s lap, your ass would go numb in a matter of seconds because he’s described as a very pretty piece of marble-like slab.  It’s essentially like sitting on a cold piece of concrete.  And you know you could break your hand if you popped him in the stomach for looking at another girl, even if it was just because she looked like premium snackage.

As far as the sparkly part.  My opinion is that only the gayest of vampires should be sparkly and that’s because they like to Bedazzle EVERYTHING.  Real vampires don’t sparkle.  Real vampires look like Alexander Skarsgard (he plays Eric on True Blood).  Real vampires aren’t broody and all “wah, I put my girlfriend in danger so I have to run off and be a broody asshole.”  Real vampires are like “you’re tasty, but I totally lived 1000 years without your whiny ass, so get over yourself.”


How long before my son outgrows Disney vacations? Why are people so fun to watch here? How many teenagers on school trips can fit at Disney? Apparently, the answer is thousands!!!!~ Amy

About the time you start making your son pay his share of the cost is when he’ll be like “hey Mom, why don’t we just stay around here and hang out at home?”  Until then, I recommend vacationing at places that aren’t normally considered places kids would enjoy; like Cleveland or New England in winter when there’s 6 tons of snow on the ground and they can’t go out for fear of freezing their little noses off.
I’ve never been to Disney.  But I think people are fun to watch anywhere in public.  Try going to a bar and being the sober one all night.  I think it’s hilarious to sit there and listen to the pick up lines and watch people make asses of themselves.  People are entertaining.  And the majority of the time, they don’t think anyone else is watching.  So, tugging the underwear out of wedgie status and junk adjusting is easy to find. The guys are particularly funny to watch because of all the posturing and posing. The later it gets, the more peacocking you get to see.  By 1:00, it’s a total race to see who will get a hook up.
Malls are perfect for people watching, too.  The mall provides a much more natural environment for teenagers.  I wonder if this is what our parents did when they were our age?  Did they sit on a bench in the middle of Richardson Square Mall and say “I can’t believe parachute pants cost that much.  [Insert name of debt riddled child here] is so going to be mowing the yard for the rest of my freaking life because of those stupid pants.”
What is the weirdest scar you have and how did you get it?~Anonymous

The weirdest scar I have is a crease in my forehead.  Normally I wouldn’t classify it as a scar, but in 20 years, it hasn’t gone away and it wasn’t there before I was 21.  I hit my head on a bed frame in Germany.  Hubby #1 and I hadn’t seen each other in a couple of months because he’d been stationed in Germany and I had to get my passport and everything so I could join him.  When I finally made it to Germany, we had our “reunion” and he was so enthusiastic that he pushed me right off the bed.  I fell onto a spare metal bed frame that Housing had brought over and creased my forehead.  Did I mention that I’m on Hubby #3?  The crease in my forehead is all I got from Hubby #1.



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Another St. Patrick’s Day has come and gone and I did nothing to mark the occasion.  Of course, I’m not Irish or Catholic, so I didn’t see much point.  I did find it odd that Brian didn’t pinch the shit out of me today.  He does it every day, but not today and I don’t think the fact that I was wearing green is what stopped him.  Maybe it was the snot.  He and I both caught colds from my son.  Josh curled up on the couch with me multiple times and cuddled with me because that’s what he does when he feels like shit and no one else will suffice.  I kind of like the whole “I want Mom” thing because I totally understand it.  When I get sick, I want my mom.  When Josh gets sick, he wants me.  That’s why I love being a mom.  So, anyway, Josh curled up with me while he was here and gave me cold cooties.  I, in turn, passed them on to Brian.

I hate having a cold, but I loved having Josh here.  I finally held him down and removed the caterpillar from his upper lip, which was bugging me to no end.  I don’t mind facial hair on grown men, but on my son it’s disconcerting.  I’m not old enough to have a kid who has facial hair, dammit!  Okay, I am, but still!  His mustache is too thin and makes him look like his mouth is just dirty.  It’s not.  It’s just that he’s got a puny mustache.  So, I got after his upper lip with an electric razor.  I really need to get on his dad about buying him his own electric razor because he got physical custody of our son and he’s supposed to be teaching him all that manly stuff, like shaving and appropriate ball adjusting strategies.

I really wish the cold medicine would kick in because I’m just rambling here.  Cold medicine would facilitate much more hilarity.  Oh, yeah, I was gonna talk about St. Patrick’s Day and drinking.  So, I have some Irish Cream in the fridge, but I don’t drink it because I think it’s wrong to drink Irish coffee in the morning.  Who decided that you should mix a liqueur with coffee?  I’m not saying it doesn’t taste good.  It just doesn’t make a lot of sense to get shit-faced and still be awake.  I’ve got insomnia, so I don’t drink coffee late at night.  That’s why I drink Malibu and pineapple juice.  After about 10 of them, I can sleep like a baby.  And it makes Robot Chicken that much funnier.  I’m 40 and I still watch Robot Chicken.  Does that explain anything?  It should.  I’m disturbed.

I’m also starting to think that I really need to push people to start asking me questions for my Ask Amy Friday blog.  It’s not good to have my own questions answered.  It’s not that challenging and I can’t be nearly as funny.  Who wants to read nothing but a bunch of questions about clown porn and what condiments can be used as lube?  I’m guessing someone.  I’d really like my blog to blow up and become something special that would attract people who want to pay me to write.  So do me a favor and share my blog!

I’ve got to go because Destination Truth is doing a piece on leprechauns and I gotta see if they find evidence of the little fuckers.  This should be interesting since I just took more cold meds.

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I’ve had 10 mg of Vicodin, so I cannot be held responsible for the coherency of this particular blog.  Just hang on for the ride and giggle at the end.

“Why do woman tend to get heavier with age, while men look more distinguished?” – Tracey

I wish I had a clever answer for this one, but I’ll be honest.  This one stumped me a bit.  Leave it to my best friend to fuck me up on a Q&A  session.  But here comes my best attempt at answering this age old question.

I think it’s because they don’t have a uterus or a decent pair of tits.  What is required of a man?  In the grand scheme of things, not a whole helluva lot when it comes to the physical.  We women are required to bleed one week a month; birth all the children; find shit men misplaced because, of course, our uterus is a homing device for all the stuff they require to function daily; breastfeed; and top all that off with attempting to be sexy so they don’t lose interest.  We’re tired by the time we hit 40.  I know I am.

Guys, don’t get all butt hurt over the fact that I said men don’t have a lot of physical demands.  Shoot a kid outta your ass and I’ll retract my statement.

Why do we park in a “driveway” and drive on a “parkway”? – Mark

Because the person who made up those words was smoking Acapulco Gold at the time.  I wasn’t there when those words were first used.  If I had been, I would have said something along the lines of “that must be some epic shit you’re smoking because that makes no sense at all.”  Most of the English language is questionable.  If marijuana was legal, it would make a lot more sense.

Should the USA adopt a flat tax on good and services and abolish the payroll tax?  This way there’d be no tax loopholes or tax returns to file, we’d save money on not having the IRS bothering the people of the country and everyone would pay based on what we buy.  Thoughts? – John G

Hell yes, we should abolish payroll tax and go to a flat tax on goods and services!  Can you imagine the hilarity that would ensue if all those IRS auditors had to find something else to do?  Like, I dunno, a real job?  A lot of them are just big sadistic assholes who get their jollies intimidating people. It’s like they aspire to be the Marquis de Sade of accounting.  Can you imagine them selling ball gags and riding crops at some sex shop?  I can.  Okay, Vicodin is a beautiful thing.  *insert maniacal giggling here*`

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