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Posts Tagged ‘mature’

I was sitting in the waiting room of my step-daughter’s counselor’s office and it occurred to me that I might be evil.  There I sat wearing a t-shirt that I’d grabbed (at random, I might add) that says: Pssst…no one likes you…pass it on!  If the kids in the counselor’s office didn’t have self-esteem issues before, they have them now (there were no other kids in the office while we were there, but the irony wasn’t lost on me).

I honestly didn’t think about the slogan on the t-shirt until I was out of the house.  I just reached into the closet and grabbed the first t-shirt that my fingers landed on.  Hey, I hadn’t had my coffee at that point, cut me some slack.  But then I went to QT and got some French Vanilla Cappuccino.  Yeah, a total “wow, this is a fucked up shirt to wear around kids” moment happened.

Obviously, I’m a bad influence on kids.  Then I started thinking about when I was growing up.  Tracey, your mom was right, I WAS a bad influence on you.  I’ve had this same sick sense of humor as long as I can remember, so obviously it was me who was the bad influence.  Love ya.

But I’m not alone in the whole evil t-shirt thing.  T-Shirt Hell has been at it as long as I have.  You really should check them out because they have tons of stuff that’s hilarious!

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Sorry to have been silent all week, but it’s been a little busy at the Twisted house.  We now have softball practice 3 days a week and that makes for a hectic brain…namely mine.  But I have a feeling I’ll be able to make it up to you…or not.  Here we go!

Does saying “fuck you” to your spouse ever go well in an argument?

I could give this a flat “no” but I think I need to qualify my answer.  Besides, a simple no doesn’t do the situation justice because if you’re saying “fuck you” to your spouse, you’re beyond pissed.

Men and women are so different in their meanings when they say “fuck you” that you really do need an interpreter.  If a woman says “fuck you”, what she really means is “I wouldn’t fuck you if your dick was made of gold and you shot hundred dollar bills and gold bullion.”  Or, on the flipside, she may have a strap on that she’s just been dying to try out and “fuck you” means you just volunteered to be her guinea pig.  “Fuck you” is a deeply personal thing with us.  We are probably plotting your untimely demise at this point and we mean for you to rein your shit in before you end up with your clothes on the front yard and an attorney up your ass.  We are serious.  We generally know how to wield a knife with efficiency (all that kitchen time, ya know).  Guys, at this point, you should shut the fuck up and repeat the following: “You’re right, dear.  I’m sorry.”

If a man says ” fuck you” it generally means that he’s out of things to say.  You’ve made him mad.  He doesn’t agree with your point of view and is adamant about his stance being the right one.  Of course, women are more emotional and we can think of words to express ourselves in the heat of battle.  Guys just see red and blow up.  Guys, “fuck you” is seriously the wrong thing to say to your wife.  Why?  She may decide never to fuck YOU again.

Why do nice guys finish last? Why do women go for dirtbags? Why is being treated special a bad thing?

Nice guys don’t always finish last.  Sometimes they finish next to last.   But seriously, if I actually knew the answer to this question, I’d be rich beyond Gates, Jobs and all their wildest wet dreams.  Heff would come to me for advice.  That would be so cool, but he’s not knocking on my door or calling me.

The dirtbag thing is pretty weird, really.  We don’t always like heights or extreme sports or speed, but dammit we LOVE a dirtbag.  They’re our adrenalin rush.  And of course, our womanly charms will surely change a bad man into a good one.  It’s total horseshit, but for a brief fleeting moment, we buy into it.  A lot of women just don’t get that guys don’t change.  I’ve accepted it.  Besides, someone has to marry the dicks of this world.  Otherwise, the world would be unbalanced and there would be no more bullies or insensitive men to make us appreciate the good guys.

The gist of it is that if you want a woman to appreciate you for the good guy that you are, find a woman who has suffered a bunch of assholes before you.  SHE will appreciate the courtesy and respect that you give her.  But she’ll have baggage along with that appreciation.  Just try to understand that while she may have more baggage than Paris Hilton, she’ll love you for the man that you are, not the potential asshole you could be.

Why is it hard for some people to understand that, once lost, integrity and trust are pretty much impossible to restore?

Such a serious question deserves a serious answer.  So here goes….

It is human nature to give trust and faith in a person until they prove that our faith in them was misguided.  And despite all the times we’ve been screwed over and hurt by other people, we still have faith in our fellow man.  It’s hope.  Plain and simple.  We have hope that the next person that we give our trust to won’t stomp it into oblivion.

Why don’t they get it?  Honestly, they don’t get it until someone does it to them.  I think a lot of times, they think that they’ll get away with it and you’ll blindly put your faith in them again because you’ve done in the past and oh, aren’t they so cute and…yeah.  It’s a hard lesson to learn.  But it’s a lesson they have to learn on their own.


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MATURE CONTENT AHEAD!!!!!!

This time, it’s all about questions from the ladies.

What would be the proper way to clean an uncircumcised males penis without losing the intimacy of the moment of an on the spot sexual encounter?

You have no idea how hard I laughed when I read this question.  No, seriously.  Nearly peed my pants.  And then I thought about it.  The on the spot sexual encounter would have to be in the shower.  Otherwise, Casanova needs to be tending to his own junk.

I have really limited experience with uncircumcised penises.  I’ve only had contact with one.  And he was OCD about being clean, so it was never an issue.  So, I’m probably not the best person in the world to be asking.  But I happen to think that uncircumcised penises are kinda cute.  They look like a dick wearing a hoodie.  And who doesn’t like a hoodie?

I did happen upon a cute little tool for guys to keep their junk clean.  They should be able to groom themselves if they are old enough to have a sexual encounter.

How do I tell my boyfriend that twisting my nipples till they are black and blue really does not do it for me?

This question is proof that men don’t mature.  Tuning in Tokyo is so outdated!  I think you should give him a taste of his own medicine.  Wrench his nipples until he screams.  He might get the point then.  But after you illustrate the kind of pain you’ve been suffering, you need to teach him about how you like to be touched.   It can be fun, but it’s going to take time to break the bad habits.  Think of it like training a dog.  And if need be, keep a rolled up newspaper handy.

How do I explain to my husband that while fucking me in the ass and he slips out and slides into my pussy, why I get upset and go clean myself? Ass=shit!! Pussy=NO SHIT!!! How hard is it?!!!!

Gee.  I wonder who has been watching too much porn at your house?  Guys so rarely understand the delicate balance that is a woman’s body.  There are tons of articles on the net about the perils of going from anal to vaginal.  If those don’t work on your husband, then grab a toy and go ass to mouth on him.  I know it’s not the same, but it’s close enough to prove a point.  When he says “that’s not sanitary”, you can hit him with a “Yeah, but if you insist on going anal to vaginal on me, then turn about is fair play.”  He’ll stop.

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Attention: MATURE CONTENT!!!

I got questions from guys this week, so I’m dedicating this entry to them.

Does titty fucking feel good to a woman?  I’m not a fan so much but I’m probably not doing it right.

You’re not the first guy to ask me this question.  So, allow me to be blunt about this subject.  NO! NO! NO!  Don’t even bother with it.  It’s wasting precious time. Why?  Here, lemme paint a picture for you…

You are a woman who is fairly well-endowed up top.  The guy you’re with is straddling your midsection and compressing your diaphragm.    Breathing is a faint memory.  There is oil all over your tits and you have a semi-death grip on them because they keep slipping out of your hands.  There’s a pillow behind your head, forcing your neck up at an angle that could legally give you the right to claim whiplash, if his homeowner’s insurance covered it.  On the upstroke, he hits you in the nose, despite aiming for your mouth.  The likelihood of him actually getting off is next to nothing, unless he’s a “sprinter”, if you know what I mean.  And if he does manage to complete the act, you’re gonna have to shampoo your hair again after he leaves.  If he hits you in the eye, it’ll sting, so you hope like hell that he gives up soon.

Porn actresses are…say it with me, guys…ACTRESSES.  They get paid to get their viewers off.  Any moaning during a tit fucking scene is FAKED.

Now, repeat after me: all her fabulous little nerve endings are in her crotch and slammed together tits are not another orifice.

Why can’t a man be friends with a woman and sex not become an issue?  Sub question: why can’t a man and woman just be friends with benefits without one or the other getting emotionally involved?

You’re specifically asking about a man being friends with a woman, so I’ll answer that.  Some women, and I’m not saying it’s all women, but a good chunk of the female population, are needy as fuck.  They readily adopt the victim position and think their low self-esteem entitles them to become man-stalking neurotics.  They totally buy into the whole “he’s just not that into you” mentality and take it to an extreme.  “If he’s not having sex with you, he’s just not that into you.”  Frankly, it should be “if he’s fucking you and leaves before even the most cursory of clean ups, he’s really not into you and you should burn his number”.  But that’s rarely the case.  They keep harassing the guy because they want to be the one he wants.  I’ve met some men who were total sluts and would fuck any chick that would give him the time of day.  I can respect them as long as they’re up front and tell the girl that nothing will ever come of it.  I believe in being blunt.  To a fault even.

I honestly hate the phrase “friend with benefits” because it’s so misleading.  If you’re gonna be friends and hook up, someone is going to develop feelings at some point.  “Friends” means that you have history and that you’re familiar with each other.  You probably have mutual friends who will talk shit about you when you skip your weekly FWB appointment because you got a real date.  That’s why I prefer booty calls.  Don’t get fully undressed.  Don’t call ahead any longer than it would take you to drive to their place.  The one who calls is the one who provides protection.  No last names, if you can help it.  Just drop your pants, pop off, and get the fuck out.  No post coital drink of water to whet your whistle.  Leave a bottle of water in your damn car, and leave that fucker running if it’s in a decent neighborhood.  It’s a much more humane way to go.  Friends with Benefits ends up with someone getting hurt.

I’m a boob man.  It’s my favorite female body part.  What I wanna know is why women get so pissed off when I stare at their tits when they’re wearing a low cut top?

I think women who wear low cut tops and then get all butt hurt about cleavage monkeys (those are all you guys that stare at tits) are unrealistic.  It’s like McDonald’s putting up a billboard and getting pissed off when people come in because of the fucking billboard.  Why are they advertising if they don’t want to be seen?  It’s not like guys routinely come up to them and grab a handful of tit, right?  You’re appreciating the view.  Don’t get drool on her or anything, but she needs to chill with the attitude.

And don’t think that women don’t look at guys’ butts.  We do.  A lot.  But we’re not overt about it.  We don’t even turn our fucking heads to gawk, unless it’s a particularly tasty piece of beefcake, then all bets are off.  But we’re subtle about the check outs.  I’ve seen guys get whiplash from sudden head turns while looking at women.  And for crying out loud, if you’re with your wife/girlfriend/significant other, don’t comment on every pair of tits you see.  It just makes us think you didn’t breastfeed enough and that’s so Freudian.


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